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冬日棉花糖

没有天生堕落的天使

没有后天从良的妓女

你选择了一个着迷沉醉的适可而止

也忘记了一个近乎失控的拖沓弥滞

交换了彼此的味道才发现寻回了另一个自己

貌似游离的互相守望成了沉默遐想的游乐场

试图模糊角色的自欺佯装

恶化成一场自有暗香盈袖慰戏谑的捉迷藏

爱情最后的退路不是床而是心房

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又是一场秋雨。

这场不大不小的雨(在东三环至少算是不大不小,但是据出租车司机说中关村那边都倾盆了。)让我打消了深夜凌晨下班独自走回家的念头。虽然没有伞,却没有在雨中等上太久就有空车悠然停靠了。

我说下雨其实是为了道出今天不一样的心情:温暖。这股带着多少惊喜成分的暖流,最初来自今天傍晚小丽在公司的出现。应该算是老战斗伙伴的重逢了吧!尽管在一起工作合作的时间也就仅仅两个多月,但是这种通过工作认识一个人的人性到互相认可和成为好朋友,真的非常难得。

其实最让我惊讶的是,当看到小丽穿得整洁漂亮地出现在大家面前的时候,我和大家一样的高兴,可一阵寒暄问候之后,自己竟然鼻子一酸偷偷掉了眼泪。我知道这是一种互相关心也惦记的友情,这种心情就像有一次和ruben聊大家老了以后的样子时,忽然想到那时候或许朋友之间天各一方,心中失落和莫名的伤心就涌上心头。所以对小丽也是如此,一个工作极度专业负责,做人坦荡正派,生活坚强独立的女孩,能够和我们走到一起,这种惺惺相惜的感觉,在公司复杂危险的办公室关系中,变得极为珍惜。

大家晚餐非常开心,曾经这些并肩作战的一伙人又聚到了一起,真正的开心,真正的放松的聊天调侃,我还记得最后大家的依依不舍,还记得小丽在公司楼下迟迟不走目送大家回去的身影。每个人心中多少的感怀真的只是因为她将要彻底离开北京,回去陕西开始面对一个人带着孩子重新生活的现实吗,除此之外还有好伙伴之间的纯真情义在这里吧!

人总是要分开的。其实大家都明白这个道理。我前几天还在微薄写到九月是离别月,说实话,我真的忘记曾经是谁告诉我的这句带有一些宿命色彩的话了。但回想这几年的九月,也的确是各种分别最多的时候,大概也搭上秋天一丝忧伤的色彩,让这句话变得那么刺眼。就拿公司合得来的同事说吧,小黄这个周六就会飞向上海长期工作了,屁屁和潭欣下周二也将跟这个团队告别了。都是每天工作在一起打闹在一起的伙伴,却谁也逃不开说再见的安排。

我是一个相信缘分的人,也相信自己注定会在生命的轨迹中留下什么。哪怕尽管是工作,除了事业成就感外,那种日久而生的手足之情,更让人觉得宝贵。这一年或者这几年,经历的事情让我看淡了很多也看开了很多,有的朋友远去了,但并不证明真正离开了你,有的人失去了联系,但并不代表就此再无关系。如果命运是一个大车轮,我们每个人都会有再相见的时候,哪怕仅仅是在心里。

今天是凯子农历的生日。因为工作,没有办法去八宝山看他了,但我仍旧在开心网给他送了生日蛋糕,在网上给他留了一段话。面对这样一个打打闹闹相识好几年的兄弟的真正离去,留在我内心深处的已经不是伤痛,而是深深的思念,有时候总在想,如果这个时候他也在会是什么样⋯⋯可能一切还是老样子,但那种习以为常的习惯却成了大家分别之后最让人难受的伤口,每次忽然想起他的时候,都觉得一种很深很深的遗憾。

有时候想想挺怕的,人将注定孤独地离开这个世界。最怕说再见,最怕离不开习惯。当一个或者又一个曾经在一起留下记忆的朋友、亲人或者动物停止他们生命的时候,那种无力的感觉,如同窒息一样让我不敢多想。所以突如其来的重逢是件可怕的事情,就像今天我自己都意料不到的眼泪就那样真实滚烫地留下来,我们都怕什么?在恐惧背后,我们还懂得什么是期待吗?

可能夜深了,我的思绪也变得不清晰了。尽管我没有忘记动笔写这些文字的初衷,却在收尾的时候失去了方向。忽然发现自己该修佳节又重阳炼的地方太多了,不要动情、不要动心、不要动念。坦然面对一切注定的安排,接受离去,或者也算是接受开始。既然是九,那就一定是久。

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八月最后一夜的雨,下得有点凉了。这个夏天仿佛还没有经历就已经匆匆忙忙地故去了。曾经年初一切关于夏天的安排和打算也都就此泡影。例如又一次闲置的网球拍。例如腰上又宽一层的游泳圈⋯⋯

一场秋雨一场寒。凌晨两点坐在从公司回家的车上,看着车窗外淅淅沥沥的雨水,心想,明天大概真的该慢慢凉起来了。很奇怪,以前从来不欢迎秋天我的,今年却有点盼望穿上多几件衣服,或者能够在夜里下班的时候盼望赶快回到自己温暖的家。

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上周一口气看完了《裸婚时代》。每每看到曾经爱得死去活来的俩人这么疯狂的吵架,都会让我忽然心头闷痛。这种场面太熟悉了,熟悉得让人心生畏惧⋯⋯害怕曾经一次一次因爱伤人的场面再次重现⋯⋯太怕了⋯⋯怕得这辈子,只想一个人终老算了。

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自己数了数,这已经是111天没有更新博客了。和微博比起来,这里安静得好像被所有人遗忘了。一切快速的情感与思维分泌被快速反馈与沟通所吸引。因此那些隐藏在内心深处角落里的不被人待见的内容就自然地躲起来了。就像现在的我,过于情绪控制下的自己,只懂得微笑,却忘了如何让自己掉眼泪。

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每天都会因为简单的欲望被满足而开心。比如午饭过后能在公司后面的林荫路走走。比如一大早发现是个大晴天。比如可以在太阳下面发呆打盹儿。比如能在这个下雨微凉的夜里,舒舒服服地睡上一觉⋯⋯

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献给天堂里的潇洒先生

静+“”

这是凯子在2011年4月26日16:04发的最后一条微博的内容。配图是一条黑色的小鱼拖着漂亮的尾巴安静地在透明的鱼缸中游动,纯白的画面和文字让最后一条微博就这样安静地静止在那里了。而他最后的头像,是一个背后投射炫目光芒的侧剪影,没有了以往的桀骜不驯,而是一张安静柔和的面容,静静地低着头⋯⋯

关于和凯子告别的这件事,我不知道该从何说起。是从我们认识的第一天开始,还是从我接到艳艳痛哭电话的那一刻开始?此刻的我已经又坐在32摄氏度的上海了,回想着昨天北京阴冷的天,心里仍然错位着。

那是周日黄昏睡醒开机看到艳艳给我短信回过去电话里面她哭着跟我说凯子走了的时候,我的直觉是这臭小子又玩离家出走了。可我真的无法相信电话那边郑重其事再一次说给我听的内容。那时候上海热得汗流浃背人心烦躁,我却寒毛竖立脑子眩晕。

接下来的一切事情都快速地进行,向公司请假安排好工作出门订票收拾行李简单吃饭然后上车回京。我还记得那个周日是母亲节,我出门的时候给妈妈打了个电话,聊了很久听到妈妈那边很开心我才放心挂上电话。之后我在想,凯子你就这样给自己的妈妈一个母亲节的礼物吗?

“臭小子!你一点都不乖!不是说好了等我月底回北京去看你吗?不是说好了你丫赶紧病好了继续斗嘴呢吗?没出息!就这么不吭声一个人潇洒去了!太不够意思了!告诉你!我非常不开心接到今天这个电话!非常不开心!你别走远,我现在就杀回去,明天你必须穿得最帅最帅最帅的,让我们大家伙见到你!”5月8日

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“已在归京途中了。从下午接到电话勿忙订票请假飞奔车站,从吃惊不信到泪不成泣,现在静下来满脑子都是曾经的画面,再熟悉不过的声音和笑容,还有永远不变的互骂嬉闹的段子,多得让我都觉得模糊了。直到现在都仍然不信这是真的,心里总认为明早到京就会看见你贱馊馊的样子,然后骂你一顿玩笑开大了⋯⋯” 5月8日 22:51

这是当时在火车上发的两条微博,心情很复杂,始终觉得不太能相信这件事情的真实性,那一夜在火车上,辗转难免,有难过,更多的是想不明白,怎么也想不明白。

关于告别的细节我不想再过多描述了,总之能见到的朋友都来了,八宝山当天成了一次最全的老友聚会,主人公是凯子。每个人都穿得漂漂亮亮的来看他,看到他安静睡在那里的一刻,觉得像是在演戏,觉得一会活动结束,凯子就疯癫地跑来跟我们团聚⋯⋯

中午吃饭看到他父母,我心里特别难受,用个凯子常用的词叫“窝心”。丧子的妈妈还那样的坚强嘱咐我们要健康平安的生活。当看到我们这些朋友的时候,她老人家情不自禁地说:看看凯子这些好朋友都多好,又年轻又高又帅⋯⋯凯子生前也是又高又帅⋯⋯那一刻我彻底决堤了,我太能体会这位母亲心中的痛苦了,真的在那一刻觉得说任何的话都没有办法安慰她⋯⋯只是生气,生气王凯不听劝,去年包括我在内的大家都说过他多少次,从来都是玩笑又倔强地任性而为,走到今天,你潇洒了,留下的痛苦都是父母和妹妹在承担,还有让我们这些朋友要用多久才能适应你在我们生活中的消失呢?

回上海的路上,自己仍然安静地停留在离别的情绪中,身体已经非常疲惫。虽然这半年来因为工作原因几乎没有和凯子在生活中玩耍见面,尽管因为那莫名其妙的事情哥们两个忽然变得尴尬起来,但这一次,我真的在心里非常难过。时至今日,每每提起想起凯子这个名字的时候,鼻子都会一酸,脑子里每天都会不自觉浮现很多曾经大家在一起的画面,当忽然想到以后再也不会在某个地方或者某个地方看到他的时候,心中总会有种错位的痛感⋯⋯

最后,对你说些一直以来要说的话吧:

嘿!小眼子!这称呼亲切吗?很久没这样叫你了吧!尽管你以前给我起过那么多乱七八糟的外号,我还是要坚持叫你小眼子!哈!好吧!如果这算是最后和你说的话,那么我不想把气氛弄得太悲伤,我知道你不喜欢悲情的气愤,很多大大小小的事情在你那里都变的快乐和轻松,你一向无所谓的臭表情告诉我们,你也是在乎的,只不过嘴硬脸臭罢了!好吧⋯⋯臭小子,告诉你,我从上海连夜赶回来送你最后一程了,你让我掉了很多丢人的眼泪,到现在写这些文字的时候你仍然让我停不住泪如雨下⋯⋯知道我想到什么了吗?记得我爷爷去世的前夜咱们大伙唱歌我莫名其妙痛哭的那次吗?你抄起mic说唱首歌献给佑佑,那时候觉得特别温暖⋯⋯这几天我回到上海没办法正常进入工作状态,非常不自然地让自己变得浮躁起来,内心如此抗拒按部就班的工作,不知道为何都是咱们曾经一起玩耍的场面。还有我生日咱们一起跳舞排练,我还有那时的录像呢,但是,我不敢再看了⋯⋯说实话,我真希望在灵堂看到你躺在那的时候那是在演戏,然后咱们擦干眼泪晚上继续去喝!不醉不罢休!还有酒吧,尽管我已经很久不去了,但以后我也不想再去了,我不想在酒吧某个角落自己喝醉了幻想你忽然神出鬼没的出现,那里有太多咱们大伙开心的回忆了。其实还有太多太多我真的不想再一个一个说了,我相信你还是都能记得的。有件事,我觉得应该和你说,去年因为娃娃咱俩忽然变得尴尬了,你和我都刻意回避这件事情,我知道都是为了这份友情,其实我们都该面对这一切,太多无奈和别无选择让三个人的关系变得让外人看不明白,让我们自己也觉得不太舒服,但到如今,我们都主动剪开这团解不开的疙瘩,我想了这或许就是三个人上辈子没有了解的姻缘吧。如今,我们三个都还是好朋友,我拿你当好兄弟,一位永远29岁的大帅哥兄弟!⋯⋯我很怀念最初咱们大家在一起玩耍没有任何不开心和烦恼的时候,我相信那些时光都会保存在脑子里的。对我来说,你没有走,你始终还在我们身边,我不会删掉你的qq、msn、开心、微博和电话号码,想你的时候我会发消息给你,我知道你会看到的!不管怎样,臭小子,在那边照顾好自己,知道你爱自由爱热闹,但是也要注意休息啊!这边的兄弟都会念着你的!咱俩不是老斗嘴开玩笑地争来争去谁最帅吗?哈哈!好吧我承认你赢了!你是最棒最帅的!希望你能在你的天堂做最帅的潇洒先生!你永远是我们爱的凯子⋯⋯

posted by 馒头他爹 in [游荡Purgatory] and have Comments (11)

四月二十九天:慢慢爱上这座城

今天是四月的最后一个工作日。昨天已经将本月的任务告一段落了,新的工作开始在心中酝酿筹划。尽管公司和客户都再三叮嘱节日期间随时候命加班,但我还是在这段忙碌的日子里偷得了今天这样一个可以没有工作的一天。

人最可怕的是习惯。习惯了好的,或者习惯了坏的。就像在上海的日子里,慢慢爱上了每天看到的一切。比如公司这座古旧的老别墅,里弄那些葱翠的梧桐树、大片铺盖的爬墙虎、后院里的活泼金毛狗⋯⋯还有一个人的办公室,靠近窗边,每天都能对着阳光和岑天老树发呆,脸上会感受到温润的春风吹来,耳边每天都可以肆无忌惮地播放那些老爵士或者钢琴曲⋯⋯安静并且舒服地享受忙碌却可以偷闲的工作,这一切让我慢慢着迷。

爱上了窗外偶尔响起的树叶婆娑的声音,还有里弄里偶尔传来的人声,当然小鸟可以全天候在你窗外飞来飞去或者驻足停歇,听不懂它们叫的内容,却能感受那种愉快轻松的情绪。一个人安静地体会这一切,因为知道这些很可能稍纵即逝,即使我已经看到在不久的将来我会非常怀念这一段时光,我心中仍然没有太多的伤感,接收此刻,难能可贵。

还没有认真深入地了解这座城市,却也不想浮光掠影般地匆匆走过。昨天上海同事发给我一个关于可以漫步上海的十条线路,真的非常诱人,决定以后下班不打车回家了,用走的。

昨天晚上下班发现口袋只剩十块钱了,忽然萌生选择漫步穿过这座城市回家。有音乐陪伴,有影子跟随,安静地熟悉那些尺度舒服的马路和舒展木讷的梧桐,心情也会突然失忆地愉快起来。此刻那个悠在其中的人,是习惯单行路的独行侠,还是好演技的路人甲?

尽管上海已经进入初夏,但夜里仍然会感觉像是秋天。或许是温度,或许是心情,昨天由于客户付款不守信,加上公司报销和薪水日期错位,导致忽然发现身上所有可以花的银子只有十几块钱了,一时心急,拿起电话又不知道该把这个麻烦发给谁。那时候真是抓耳挠腮了。有时候也很巧,偏偏总在这个时候你信得过得好朋友总会因为各种原因你联络不到,多逗啊!忽然想到这几年每次高烧都从没有给任何朋友打过电话,一个人熬过两三天就又挺拔了。我是一个多么不愿意麻烦别人的人,第一是张不开口,第二是实在不情愿。或许就这样一个人一遍一遍听着常石磊的mine

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所以这座城市总会给我留下各种不一样的经历和回忆。包括那些温度和气味,还有闭上眼睛都能浮现的很多场面。不知道,有时候想想如果回到三里屯那个喧嚣聒噪的办公室,自己是否会心猿意马呢?天越来越热了,两座城,一颗心,在何方。

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

四月二十二天:有一点点思念 一点点

我是一个多么表里不一的人啊。

天生了一张热闹精彩的皮囊,却在内心藏着一个冷静孤僻的灵魂。已经习惯了半生不熟的人们对我的评价和揣测,也明白了为何曾经爱过我的人对我的不信任,这一切,对我来说应该都是完完全全该接受的,因为,他们没有走到你内心深处,没有看到让他们平静和踏实的真莫道不消魂相,而在这之前,所有的人都已经飞远。

不知道为何要说这些,或许因为这段时间在上海,几乎所有人都会以为我会有一个别样的生活,却发现随着年纪变大,自己的生活越来越忠于自己的内心世界,仍然一如在北京一样冷静冷淡地观察着这座城市,看着身边的朋友热闹而浮躁地度过每一天,感受他们的喜怒哀乐和有血有肉的生活,而自己仍然像是一个被冷冻在冰块里的狮子一样,高傲而无畏地看待这一切,理解所有人的想法和行为,并不以为然,仍旧真心接受和佯装融入到内心已然脱离的圈子里打发时光。

爱各种Jazz。喜欢沉醉在那些情绪中,慵懒地让自己变得松弛,或者带上耳机重新把自己收纳到真实的自我中,和身边的一切说sorry和no。就像今天,这个没有阳光的下午,放着《Cinema Paradiso》的OST,应该是有待广播里关于Cinema

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昨天大概是凌晨四点多睡的。天一下雨,两只伤脚脖子就莫名难受,从小就这样。那时候就让妈妈为我揉脚踝,然后自己就会美滋滋不知不觉地睡着了⋯⋯这个夜晚再次失眠作痛的双踝让我又想起小时候那些事儿,忽然觉得内阵儿有多幸福啊。总有一天,我们会越来越老,老到只剩下模糊不堪却幸福温暖的童年回忆历历在目让人怀念。这个夜晚,听着窗外的雨声,忽然很想念北京,想念北京的家,还有自己的床⋯⋯

昨夜无聊感慨又在微薄发了牢骚,早上看到ivanna的回复:“人有时候都会很脆弱,尤其是在异地他乡,床在这时已经不是床了,而是一种寄托和依托。可深一步思考,如果不曾离开,怎知它的宝贵呢,更或是再次回到那熟悉的环境,会不会又有了新的恐慌和孤独? 我有,我会,尤其夜深时。”不过我有时候也在思考,其实我们每一次在路上的时候,都容易忽略路边的美好感受。忽然想到每次来到陌生国家城市的时候一开始的新鲜和数十天后的疲惫让人经历了很多起伏的情感状态。每次长途旅行,一个人背包走在路上很久很久开始想回头的时候,那个状态是回到原点不曾体会的。当我们真正回到自己的城市的时候,之前的短期出逃将成为自己最觉得难能可贵的怀念时刻。至少我会是,尤其是在这个难得可以送一口气的下午,看着窗外的绿树和楼下院子里的金毛狗,想想在北京会有这一切吗?这大概就是我们应该发现和珍稀的吧!

又是一个周末了。等待客户反馈的周末。不敢去任何地方,只能呆呆地在这座城市的某个角落等待。等待被修改,等待被满足。我们不知不觉放弃了自己当初的信念和决定,而学会了在妥协中平衡生活,欺骗自己的真实情绪,假装看不见很多真莫道不消魂相,这样一个装聋作哑的白内障式人格怎会存在于这样一个容易愤怒和不羁的身体中呢?答案变得言不由衷,我也渐渐无言以对了。

BOBO说新版博客不能留言,是啊,不仅不能留言还不能发图片。事情总是会有不完美,而这才让我们有所期待不是嘛?尽管面对这样一个没有回声的世界,我还是愿意继续写下去,因为我知道,我可以在这里相对更真实、更自在。

(忽然发现可以留言,只不过发到我后台了,我审核后才会被看到,所以欢迎你们在这里发声。)

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have No Comments

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大概我是喜欢安静的。大概我是习惯了一个人。大概这些才会让自己觉得安全。所以这个周末我没有到处走走,不仅仅是因为工作的原因,而是自己也确实不知道该去哪里该找谁。这样大一个城市,有很多曾经认识的朋友,却那起电话不愿意接通任何一个人。就像曾经在北京一样,走到哪里都习惯地带上耳机,在音乐中穿行整座城。

命运有时候就是会让人有一种说不出来的滋味。就拿来上海工作这件事情吧,最终还是没有躲过去,这座曾经让我觉得无缘的城市,如今就在我的眼前了。没有任何与众不同的地方,没有任何格格不入的情绪,没有太多的新鲜感,也没有太强烈的反差。在我的人生即将迈向三字头的今天,对于一切的变动,已经慢慢宠辱不惊了。

尽管每天上班要走20分钟才能坐上地铁,中间还要穿行倒车,晚上又经常加班,好在这个暂时陌生的城市,老总和同事们对我都很好,几个不错的朋友都时刻关心着,还有暂时麻烦合住的小Jerry也是在我到了上海之后又请吃饭又请喝酒又带我到处玩的,让我根本没有觉得这座城市不欢迎我。内心深处都是感激和温暖,特想偷偷地跟他们说声感谢。

尽管嘴上总是半开玩笑的和身边朋友念叨上海人的多么让我无法接受云云,但是内心深处并没有反感和排斥他们。因为这次来上海工作给我最大的感觉,更像是一种倾重不同的旅行,除了认真地对待工作外,剩下的感觉特别想每次一个人去一个国家或者一个城市,背包穿行,用眼睛、相机、文字和记忆熟悉这一切。

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不知是否因为上周末看了Dustin O'HaIloran的现场演奏之后,现在每天上班又会在电脑前响起他的钢琴声。有时候总会回想起那个昏暗的小舞台,当那些再熟悉不过的旋律随着他专注的背影重现在眼前的时候,似乎情感世界里各种感动与痛苦的滋味又翻江倒海般地涌现了。有幸福,有伤痛,有一份份爱和温暖的思念。就像一段久违余味的情感之旅,让心情随钢琴音符一起飞在这座城的夜空,那一刻,忘记了天涯你我,忘记了此时此刻。

今天下午走过中山公园的时候,看到有中老年阿姨的舞蹈表演,每一位阿姨都穿着统一的新演出裙子,精致的化妆,认真的态度,忽然想到了妈妈。其实到现在我都没有去看妈妈的任何一次演出,没有在现场为她的舞蹈加油助阵过,但是今天看到这些和妈妈年级一样大的阿姨们,仿佛就看到了妈妈的影子,那一刻鼻子一酸眼泪差点就掉下来了⋯⋯

昨天妈妈拍的电视短剧播出了,晚上第一时间给她去电话妈妈说反响非常好很多朋友都打来祝贺电话,我在这边听着心里可高兴了。现在已经习惯了不再告诉她一切关于工作不愉快劳累和生活困难的事情,也学会了“撒谎”骗她这边一切都好,诸如公司老总同事对我非常好,身边朋友们对我很好,住的地方就在公司旁很方便,门口都是各种吃饭的地方,交通也都非常好,而且工作也不累,心情非常好⋯⋯我觉得其实当自己因为工作压力太大的时候给妈妈打电话厚颜无耻地编造这些完美假象的时候,仿佛自己也相信这一切是真的了,反而心情也就豁然开朗了。

有时候在微薄看到北京朋友们的贴子,忽然很怀念,虽然鼻子已经有点忘记北京的味道,但是嘴上仍然固执地总是操着北京腔在这个啊拉阿拉哝哝的城市发声。我想,这一切都很好,我喜欢这种平稳的感觉,不管在哪里,你心里仍然有所思念,能够在你忙碌的时候拨过去电话聊上半天,空间的距离其实永远是敌不过心里的贴近的⋯⋯

就到这里吧!越写越多该收不住了。祝一切都好!不管哪里的朋友天涯海角。

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comments (2)

三月三天:写在2011年六分之一逝去的时候


妈妈回天津了。


今天早上起得很早,给我做了面汤,还把这几天的饭也做了出来,一遍遍叮嘱我该注意这个要记得那个⋯⋯把她送上车的时候,心里有点酸,忽然感觉北京这个家又变得空空了。


旅行回来之后经历了好几天疲累的恢复日,莫名其妙地怀疑是这次旅行太累了还是自己身体不行了,整日躲在昏睡中不愿出来,不喜欢说话,不喜欢动弹,浑身无力,对任何事情都失去了兴趣⋯⋯


一件又一件不如意的事情接踵而至,似乎在考验我承受压力的极限。越来越习惯性地逼迫自己,挤兑自己,让自己难捱、难奈,走近窒息与崩溃的边缘。自己率领各方联军压力让生活的每一秒都变得沉重不堪。释放不出去,接纳不进来,走近墙角死胡同回头也没有希望的亮光。黎明前的黑夜度日如年,未知让时间感觉加长,痛苦程度加剧。变成一个等待判罚的人。让我每天无时无刻都在觉得这个世界太残冷,我的思绪太聒噪。


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有朋友说我应该找个机会大醉一场释放释放自己的压力了。可是年前我已经在家醉过一次了。本来只想喝杯酒放松一下睡个好觉的,却没有收住自己一个人干掉几乎两瓶红酒,哭肿了双眼,意识不清地给好朋友打了电话⋯⋯结果一切问题都是无法解决的。在问题的结果上,我不需要各种手段地释放不良情绪,在我内心深处很清楚的知道那一点用都没有。


我只希望该解决结束的事情都可以尽量完好的结束,再憷头的事情我也要硬着头皮将事情都划上句号。然后。然后开始一切新的局面和机会,改变自己当初的计划和策略,重新调整格局,在变化中继续寻找机会和学会判断。当然,目前处于一个混沌的中间阶段,我知道这是最难熬的时候,发生的事情没有给你明确的呈现,没有发生的事情更让你摸不到边。怎么办?你只能坚持,一秒一秒地向前走,千万别放弃自己!


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其实我应该开心的。记得从泰国回来的时候偶然碰到前女友和她的现任,聊天的时候,她男朋友跟我说:要知道你现在还能带着妈妈去旅行是人生多么幸福的事情啊!我20岁爸爸妈妈就都没有了⋯⋯听到这句话的时候,我有一种特别能理解对方的感动。也正因如此我才会在不管自己处境多困难的时候都要开开心心带妈妈出去旅行的。身边经历了太多同龄朋友父母离去的事情,我能够深深体会他们坚强面对社会和在内心深深思念的情感。那种感觉特别难以描述,就像昨晚我看着熟睡的妈妈时不时地还说梦话,那一刻你会感觉这个房间这个世界还有这样一个人呼吸,有温度地陪在你身边,一切困难都算什么呢?要知道八年前当摸着爸爸冰冷的身体绝望地接受他永远离开你的现实的时候,那种恐惧与后怕的感觉是让人再也不想回想的。我很怕再有人离开我,非常还怕,我不愿意在某一天我孤单地活在世界上的时候回想起来会有自责和后悔的事情,尽管在父母对我的爱面前,我们所做的都是永远不够不够的。


很久没有写博客了,我忽然发现,将情绪用文字整理出来也是一个自我治愈的过程。如果能够稍微轻松地面对当下的一切现实,那就请轻松一些地继续生活吧。有时候心里总在回想那句话:生活没有你想象的那样好,但也没有你想象的那样糟。是啊!打起精神吧!2011年已经过去六分之一了,剩下的日子还要你自己努力呢啊!加油!


最后放上这次去泰国海边拍的照片吧!两个月疯狂痛苦的健身打球,减掉了10斤,也增加了不少肌肉!你看!你要你坚持!很多事情都会看到起色的不是吗!所以!不要放弃自己!给自己打气!别让爱你的人失望!


image

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comments (3)

十句谈:拾玖

 

1

在中国,超生和超死都是非法的。

但和谐的社会总会给不该降生的生命一个理由,给不该死去的性命一个借口。

 

 

2

战争,是考验人性的双刃剑

你是黑是白是善是恶,都会赤裸裸地暴露无遗。

 

 

3

自不量力的到处有,能活得精彩的不多得。

 

 

4

食欲需要通过“补进”达到满足

性欲需要通过“排出”达到满足。

 

 

5

从中国历史上看,但凡是被喊万岁的,都活不长。

 

 

6

如果深藏不露是一种境界而不是城府,

如果执着不羁是一种天性而不是张扬,

你的非凡人生,不需要有人懂。

 

 

7

人作为人,

就要习惯适应自己的冲动造成的幸福感和罪恶感,

然后坦然面对现实的无以改变与周而复始。

 

 

8

太聪明的人活得痛苦,有智慧的人活得幸福。

 

 

9

我不是一枚炸弹,我只是一块海绵。

 

 

10

爱情里,每一个伤疤都是漂亮的句号。



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十句谈:贰拾

 

1

被时间冲远的人不是朋友,被利益的带走人不是朋友,被谣言离间的人不是朋友,被困难吓跑的人不是朋友。真正的朋友不会嫌弃你、嫉妒你、诋毁你、疏远你。所以你没有必要在乎那些忽冷忽热、背后中伤、口蜜腹剑、虚情伪善的人。因为他们顶多算是,认识的人。

 

 

2

用荒诞戏谑存在,用虚无嘲讽真实。无论用假正经粉饰,还是以真不羁出位,请记住我们自己的一无是处,任何人都没有资格成为焦点。捅破自大妄为的泡沫,光环都是自己造的,是非都是自己找的。献给那些自知的可爱人们,也献给那些自作的可悲小丑。

 

 

3

在我看来,人如果不顾一切困难执着坚持去争取,总是会得到你想要的东西的。可是,有朋友和我说:你有没有想到,过分执著而得到的东西,很可能是不该属于你的啊!⋯⋯我又矛盾和迷惑了⋯⋯

 

 

4

不善表达、不爱沟通、专注执着、有小趣味和私人情趣、自得其乐、容易满足、不喜欢被否定、容易情绪化和自我放弃⋯⋯这是我多年来遇到各种设计师所感觉到他们身上的共性。多可爱的一群人,每次看到他们呆呆地对着电脑安静坐一整天,就觉得世界在他们眼中是美好的,尽管他们嘴里总是唉声叹气、怨声连连。

 

 

5

“床是最后的退路,梦是最后的真实。”生活的现实让每个怀揣童年梦想与乐趣的可爱人们变成不愿自我承认的可怜宝贝,孤独的人们在床边平静安眠,寂寞的人们在床间与别人共造噩梦悲哀相见。

 

 

6

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You》竟然有这样多版本每次现场演唱都会有所不同⋯⋯但为何《The Look of Love》却始终如一呢?

 

 

7

我很好奇国内参加“枕头大战”的人们是否会带着自己的棉花枕头、轻纶枕头、或者荞麦皮枕头来参战呢?会有多少人带鸭绒鹅毛枕头?真是打出一地的棉花轻纶荞麦皮也没有羽毛飞漫天落满身的狂欢效果啊?另外,被荞麦皮枕头砸一下的哥们姐们估计挺郁闷吧!最后会因为这个真打起来吗?

 

 

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我其实非常期望国内能有真正意义的Pillow
Fight、Silent Disco、Snowball Fight和Fluorescent Body等等这样迷人狂欢的主题派对。但是在国内合理、合法、有主办方、赞助方、警力保护、定点、定时、定员等和谐措施下,“快乐”都变成了“秀”。就像新婚之夜,父母全程陪同监护新人做佳节又重阳爱,你还硬得起来吗?

 

 

9

老妈从QQ给我发来一篇文章《剩男症候群精辟分析》⋯⋯里面说剩男有几种:完美主义者、翩翩花心者、自由主义者、人间沧桑者、事业型冷酷者⋯⋯文章说的到是很精辟也有意思⋯⋯但老妈这是啥意思呢⋯⋯我觉得我不是剩男,我是圣男!盛男!胜男!

 

 

10

从庄淑芬老师那里学到一个新名词:霸凌(英文:bullying)。如是校园霸凌的定义是:一个学童反复的曝露在一个或更多人的负面行为之中.
霸凌形式不只肢体暴力言语,网络霸凌也一样。相信它不只存在于校园之内。这问题实在值得有关人士深思!

 


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