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三月三天:写在2011年六分之一逝去的时候


妈妈回天津了。


今天早上起得很早,给我做了面汤,还把这几天的饭也做了出来,一遍遍叮嘱我该注意这个要记得那个⋯⋯把她送上车的时候,心里有点酸,忽然感觉北京这个家又变得空空了。


旅行回来之后经历了好几天疲累的恢复日,莫名其妙地怀疑是这次旅行太累了还是自己身体不行了,整日躲在昏睡中不愿出来,不喜欢说话,不喜欢动弹,浑身无力,对任何事情都失去了兴趣⋯⋯


一件又一件不如意的事情接踵而至,似乎在考验我承受压力的极限。越来越习惯性地逼迫自己,挤兑自己,让自己难捱、难奈,走近窒息与崩溃的边缘。自己率领各方联军压力让生活的每一秒都变得沉重不堪。释放不出去,接纳不进来,走近墙角死胡同回头也没有希望的亮光。黎明前的黑夜度日如年,未知让时间感觉加长,痛苦程度加剧。变成一个等待判罚的人。让我每天无时无刻都在觉得这个世界太残冷,我的思绪太聒噪。


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有朋友说我应该找个机会大醉一场释放释放自己的压力了。可是年前我已经在家醉过一次了。本来只想喝杯酒放松一下睡个好觉的,却没有收住自己一个人干掉几乎两瓶红酒,哭肿了双眼,意识不清地给好朋友打了电话⋯⋯结果一切问题都是无法解决的。在问题的结果上,我不需要各种手段地释放不良情绪,在我内心深处很清楚的知道那一点用都没有。


我只希望该解决结束的事情都可以尽量完好的结束,再憷头的事情我也要硬着头皮将事情都划上句号。然后。然后开始一切新的局面和机会,改变自己当初的计划和策略,重新调整格局,在变化中继续寻找机会和学会判断。当然,目前处于一个混沌的中间阶段,我知道这是最难熬的时候,发生的事情没有给你明确的呈现,没有发生的事情更让你摸不到边。怎么办?你只能坚持,一秒一秒地向前走,千万别放弃自己!


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其实我应该开心的。记得从泰国回来的时候偶然碰到前女友和她的现任,聊天的时候,她男朋友跟我说:要知道你现在还能带着妈妈去旅行是人生多么幸福的事情啊!我20岁爸爸妈妈就都没有了⋯⋯听到这句话的时候,我有一种特别能理解对方的感动。也正因如此我才会在不管自己处境多困难的时候都要开开心心带妈妈出去旅行的。身边经历了太多同龄朋友父母离去的事情,我能够深深体会他们坚强面对社会和在内心深深思念的情感。那种感觉特别难以描述,就像昨晚我看着熟睡的妈妈时不时地还说梦话,那一刻你会感觉这个房间这个世界还有这样一个人呼吸,有温度地陪在你身边,一切困难都算什么呢?要知道八年前当摸着爸爸冰冷的身体绝望地接受他永远离开你的现实的时候,那种恐惧与后怕的感觉是让人再也不想回想的。我很怕再有人离开我,非常还怕,我不愿意在某一天我孤单地活在世界上的时候回想起来会有自责和后悔的事情,尽管在父母对我的爱面前,我们所做的都是永远不够不够的。


很久没有写博客了,我忽然发现,将情绪用文字整理出来也是一个自我治愈的过程。如果能够稍微轻松地面对当下的一切现实,那就请轻松一些地继续生活吧。有时候心里总在回想那句话:生活没有你想象的那样好,但也没有你想象的那样糟。是啊!打起精神吧!2011年已经过去六分之一了,剩下的日子还要你自己努力呢啊!加油!


最后放上这次去泰国海边拍的照片吧!两个月疯狂痛苦的健身打球,减掉了10斤,也增加了不少肌肉!你看!你要你坚持!很多事情都会看到起色的不是吗!所以!不要放弃自己!给自己打气!别让爱你的人失望!


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comments (3)

3 Responses to “三月三天:写在2011年六分之一逝去的时候”

  1. 韦捷秋 说到:

    随着年龄的增长,各种难题和困惑会不断涌现。靠内心的强大去征服,还没来得及为一个胜利欣慰,新的问题又会出现,如此轮回。人就在自我否定、自我征服中获得脆弱的平衡,以此达到生命圆满的假象。能拯救自己的永远只有自己。

  2. BOBO 说到:

    文字确实是舒缓情绪的一种方式。以前习惯在日记本上写,现在习惯用WORD,过段时间就可以DELETE。因为,人往往在不开心的时候才记得文字,回头发现,记录下的都是当时不安挣扎的情绪,再次读起来,已不想让那些记忆停留太久。若所有过去都是由开心和不快组成的,我宁愿留下开心,不开心的,就让它们随着时间慢慢溜走。

    我对朋友说,我是一定会结婚的,因为前面那么多年没有完整的家庭,那我希望生命的下半部分还能自己建立起一份完整。若自己的生命存在那么多的残缺,真觉得目前的坚持还有什么意义。

  3. Abe 说到:

    杨杨加油 你要happy 尽力去 就会发现没有那么难 :)

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