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四月二十二天:有一点点思念 一点点

我是一个多么表里不一的人啊。

天生了一张热闹精彩的皮囊,却在内心藏着一个冷静孤僻的灵魂。已经习惯了半生不熟的人们对我的评价和揣测,也明白了为何曾经爱过我的人对我的不信任,这一切,对我来说应该都是完完全全该接受的,因为,他们没有走到你内心深处,没有看到让他们平静和踏实的真莫道不消魂相,而在这之前,所有的人都已经飞远。

不知道为何要说这些,或许因为这段时间在上海,几乎所有人都会以为我会有一个别样的生活,却发现随着年纪变大,自己的生活越来越忠于自己的内心世界,仍然一如在北京一样冷静冷淡地观察着这座城市,看着身边的朋友热闹而浮躁地度过每一天,感受他们的喜怒哀乐和有血有肉的生活,而自己仍然像是一个被冷冻在冰块里的狮子一样,高傲而无畏地看待这一切,理解所有人的想法和行为,并不以为然,仍旧真心接受和佯装融入到内心已然脱离的圈子里打发时光。

爱各种Jazz。喜欢沉醉在那些情绪中,慵懒地让自己变得松弛,或者带上耳机重新把自己收纳到真实的自我中,和身边的一切说sorry和no。就像今天,这个没有阳光的下午,放着《Cinema Paradiso》的OST,应该是有待广播里关于Cinema

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Paradiso主题的爵士和古典音乐节目,非常棒的情感和旋律。看着窗外在阴霾天空中无奈打盹儿的葱翠草木们,觉得它们好可爱。老房子里的温度有些凉,打开空调脖子后一阵温热。发现这个世界如果都是灰色的也如此美丽和迷人。

昨天大概是凌晨四点多睡的。天一下雨,两只伤脚脖子就莫名难受,从小就这样。那时候就让妈妈为我揉脚踝,然后自己就会美滋滋不知不觉地睡着了⋯⋯这个夜晚再次失眠作痛的双踝让我又想起小时候那些事儿,忽然觉得内阵儿有多幸福啊。总有一天,我们会越来越老,老到只剩下模糊不堪却幸福温暖的童年回忆历历在目让人怀念。这个夜晚,听着窗外的雨声,忽然很想念北京,想念北京的家,还有自己的床⋯⋯

昨夜无聊感慨又在微薄发了牢骚,早上看到ivanna的回复:“人有时候都会很脆弱,尤其是在异地他乡,床在这时已经不是床了,而是一种寄托和依托。可深一步思考,如果不曾离开,怎知它的宝贵呢,更或是再次回到那熟悉的环境,会不会又有了新的恐慌和孤独? 我有,我会,尤其夜深时。”不过我有时候也在思考,其实我们每一次在路上的时候,都容易忽略路边的美好感受。忽然想到每次来到陌生国家城市的时候一开始的新鲜和数十天后的疲惫让人经历了很多起伏的情感状态。每次长途旅行,一个人背包走在路上很久很久开始想回头的时候,那个状态是回到原点不曾体会的。当我们真正回到自己的城市的时候,之前的短期出逃将成为自己最觉得难能可贵的怀念时刻。至少我会是,尤其是在这个难得可以送一口气的下午,看着窗外的绿树和楼下院子里的金毛狗,想想在北京会有这一切吗?这大概就是我们应该发现和珍稀的吧!

又是一个周末了。等待客户反馈的周末。不敢去任何地方,只能呆呆地在这座城市的某个角落等待。等待被修改,等待被满足。我们不知不觉放弃了自己当初的信念和决定,而学会了在妥协中平衡生活,欺骗自己的真实情绪,假装看不见很多真莫道不消魂相,这样一个装聋作哑的白内障式人格怎会存在于这样一个容易愤怒和不羁的身体中呢?答案变得言不由衷,我也渐渐无言以对了。

BOBO说新版博客不能留言,是啊,不仅不能留言还不能发图片。事情总是会有不完美,而这才让我们有所期待不是嘛?尽管面对这样一个没有回声的世界,我还是愿意继续写下去,因为我知道,我可以在这里相对更真实、更自在。

(忽然发现可以留言,只不过发到我后台了,我审核后才会被看到,所以欢迎你们在这里发声。)

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have No Comments

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