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Archive for 04月, 2011

四月二十九天:慢慢爱上这座城

今天是四月的最后一个工作日。昨天已经将本月的任务告一段落了,新的工作开始在心中酝酿筹划。尽管公司和客户都再三叮嘱节日期间随时候命加班,但我还是在这段忙碌的日子里偷得了今天这样一个可以没有工作的一天。

人最可怕的是习惯。习惯了好的,或者习惯了坏的。就像在上海的日子里,慢慢爱上了每天看到的一切。比如公司这座古旧的老别墅,里弄那些葱翠的梧桐树、大片铺盖的爬墙虎、后院里的活泼金毛狗⋯⋯还有一个人的办公室,靠近窗边,每天都能对着阳光和岑天老树发呆,脸上会感受到温润的春风吹来,耳边每天都可以肆无忌惮地播放那些老爵士或者钢琴曲⋯⋯安静并且舒服地享受忙碌却可以偷闲的工作,这一切让我慢慢着迷。

爱上了窗外偶尔响起的树叶婆娑的声音,还有里弄里偶尔传来的人声,当然小鸟可以全天候在你窗外飞来飞去或者驻足停歇,听不懂它们叫的内容,却能感受那种愉快轻松的情绪。一个人安静地体会这一切,因为知道这些很可能稍纵即逝,即使我已经看到在不久的将来我会非常怀念这一段时光,我心中仍然没有太多的伤感,接收此刻,难能可贵。

还没有认真深入地了解这座城市,却也不想浮光掠影般地匆匆走过。昨天上海同事发给我一个关于可以漫步上海的十条线路,真的非常诱人,决定以后下班不打车回家了,用走的。

昨天晚上下班发现口袋只剩十块钱了,忽然萌生选择漫步穿过这座城市回家。有音乐陪伴,有影子跟随,安静地熟悉那些尺度舒服的马路和舒展木讷的梧桐,心情也会突然失忆地愉快起来。此刻那个悠在其中的人,是习惯单行路的独行侠,还是好演技的路人甲?

尽管上海已经进入初夏,但夜里仍然会感觉像是秋天。或许是温度,或许是心情,昨天由于客户付款不守信,加上公司报销和薪水日期错位,导致忽然发现身上所有可以花的银子只有十几块钱了,一时心急,拿起电话又不知道该把这个麻烦发给谁。那时候真是抓耳挠腮了。有时候也很巧,偏偏总在这个时候你信得过得好朋友总会因为各种原因你联络不到,多逗啊!忽然想到这几年每次高烧都从没有给任何朋友打过电话,一个人熬过两三天就又挺拔了。我是一个多么不愿意麻烦别人的人,第一是张不开口,第二是实在不情愿。或许就这样一个人一遍一遍听着常石磊的mine

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所以这座城市总会给我留下各种不一样的经历和回忆。包括那些温度和气味,还有闭上眼睛都能浮现的很多场面。不知道,有时候想想如果回到三里屯那个喧嚣聒噪的办公室,自己是否会心猿意马呢?天越来越热了,两座城,一颗心,在何方。

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

四月二十二天:有一点点思念 一点点

我是一个多么表里不一的人啊。

天生了一张热闹精彩的皮囊,却在内心藏着一个冷静孤僻的灵魂。已经习惯了半生不熟的人们对我的评价和揣测,也明白了为何曾经爱过我的人对我的不信任,这一切,对我来说应该都是完完全全该接受的,因为,他们没有走到你内心深处,没有看到让他们平静和踏实的真莫道不消魂相,而在这之前,所有的人都已经飞远。

不知道为何要说这些,或许因为这段时间在上海,几乎所有人都会以为我会有一个别样的生活,却发现随着年纪变大,自己的生活越来越忠于自己的内心世界,仍然一如在北京一样冷静冷淡地观察着这座城市,看着身边的朋友热闹而浮躁地度过每一天,感受他们的喜怒哀乐和有血有肉的生活,而自己仍然像是一个被冷冻在冰块里的狮子一样,高傲而无畏地看待这一切,理解所有人的想法和行为,并不以为然,仍旧真心接受和佯装融入到内心已然脱离的圈子里打发时光。

爱各种Jazz。喜欢沉醉在那些情绪中,慵懒地让自己变得松弛,或者带上耳机重新把自己收纳到真实的自我中,和身边的一切说sorry和no。就像今天,这个没有阳光的下午,放着《Cinema Paradiso》的OST,应该是有待广播里关于Cinema

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Paradiso主题的爵士和古典音乐节目,非常棒的情感和旋律。看着窗外在阴霾天空中无奈打盹儿的葱翠草木们,觉得它们好可爱。老房子里的温度有些凉,打开空调脖子后一阵温热。发现这个世界如果都是灰色的也如此美丽和迷人。

昨天大概是凌晨四点多睡的。天一下雨,两只伤脚脖子就莫名难受,从小就这样。那时候就让妈妈为我揉脚踝,然后自己就会美滋滋不知不觉地睡着了⋯⋯这个夜晚再次失眠作痛的双踝让我又想起小时候那些事儿,忽然觉得内阵儿有多幸福啊。总有一天,我们会越来越老,老到只剩下模糊不堪却幸福温暖的童年回忆历历在目让人怀念。这个夜晚,听着窗外的雨声,忽然很想念北京,想念北京的家,还有自己的床⋯⋯

昨夜无聊感慨又在微薄发了牢骚,早上看到ivanna的回复:“人有时候都会很脆弱,尤其是在异地他乡,床在这时已经不是床了,而是一种寄托和依托。可深一步思考,如果不曾离开,怎知它的宝贵呢,更或是再次回到那熟悉的环境,会不会又有了新的恐慌和孤独? 我有,我会,尤其夜深时。”不过我有时候也在思考,其实我们每一次在路上的时候,都容易忽略路边的美好感受。忽然想到每次来到陌生国家城市的时候一开始的新鲜和数十天后的疲惫让人经历了很多起伏的情感状态。每次长途旅行,一个人背包走在路上很久很久开始想回头的时候,那个状态是回到原点不曾体会的。当我们真正回到自己的城市的时候,之前的短期出逃将成为自己最觉得难能可贵的怀念时刻。至少我会是,尤其是在这个难得可以送一口气的下午,看着窗外的绿树和楼下院子里的金毛狗,想想在北京会有这一切吗?这大概就是我们应该发现和珍稀的吧!

又是一个周末了。等待客户反馈的周末。不敢去任何地方,只能呆呆地在这座城市的某个角落等待。等待被修改,等待被满足。我们不知不觉放弃了自己当初的信念和决定,而学会了在妥协中平衡生活,欺骗自己的真实情绪,假装看不见很多真莫道不消魂相,这样一个装聋作哑的白内障式人格怎会存在于这样一个容易愤怒和不羁的身体中呢?答案变得言不由衷,我也渐渐无言以对了。

BOBO说新版博客不能留言,是啊,不仅不能留言还不能发图片。事情总是会有不完美,而这才让我们有所期待不是嘛?尽管面对这样一个没有回声的世界,我还是愿意继续写下去,因为我知道,我可以在这里相对更真实、更自在。

(忽然发现可以留言,只不过发到我后台了,我审核后才会被看到,所以欢迎你们在这里发声。)

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have No Comments

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到上海工作已经一个多星期了。

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O’Halloran的音乐,偶尔不时推窗和楼下院子里的金毛老麦逗逗,这一切,安静平和得让我忽然又忘记了工作日的疲累与焦躁。

大概我是喜欢安静的。大概我是习惯了一个人。大概这些才会让自己觉得安全。所以这个周末我没有到处走走,不仅仅是因为工作的原因,而是自己也确实不知道该去哪里该找谁。这样大一个城市,有很多曾经认识的朋友,却那起电话不愿意接通任何一个人。就像曾经在北京一样,走到哪里都习惯地带上耳机,在音乐中穿行整座城。

命运有时候就是会让人有一种说不出来的滋味。就拿来上海工作这件事情吧,最终还是没有躲过去,这座曾经让我觉得无缘的城市,如今就在我的眼前了。没有任何与众不同的地方,没有任何格格不入的情绪,没有太多的新鲜感,也没有太强烈的反差。在我的人生即将迈向三字头的今天,对于一切的变动,已经慢慢宠辱不惊了。

尽管每天上班要走20分钟才能坐上地铁,中间还要穿行倒车,晚上又经常加班,好在这个暂时陌生的城市,老总和同事们对我都很好,几个不错的朋友都时刻关心着,还有暂时麻烦合住的小Jerry也是在我到了上海之后又请吃饭又请喝酒又带我到处玩的,让我根本没有觉得这座城市不欢迎我。内心深处都是感激和温暖,特想偷偷地跟他们说声感谢。

尽管嘴上总是半开玩笑的和身边朋友念叨上海人的多么让我无法接受云云,但是内心深处并没有反感和排斥他们。因为这次来上海工作给我最大的感觉,更像是一种倾重不同的旅行,除了认真地对待工作外,剩下的感觉特别想每次一个人去一个国家或者一个城市,背包穿行,用眼睛、相机、文字和记忆熟悉这一切。

刚刚开始的这第九天,一切关于上海的思绪还是凌乱的。没有刻意而为,而是安静地等待和观察一切将要发生和不会发生的事情。宿命的玩笑让人觉得空间和时间的趣味,就像Bob

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Dylan和Dustin O’Halloran的演出就没有在北京看成而是在上海看到的。很多在北京都很少碰面的朋友也都在上海纷纷出现。双城记,关于面孔与记忆的轮回,我们永远弄不明白。

不知是否因为上周末看了Dustin O'HaIloran的现场演奏之后,现在每天上班又会在电脑前响起他的钢琴声。有时候总会回想起那个昏暗的小舞台,当那些再熟悉不过的旋律随着他专注的背影重现在眼前的时候,似乎情感世界里各种感动与痛苦的滋味又翻江倒海般地涌现了。有幸福,有伤痛,有一份份爱和温暖的思念。就像一段久违余味的情感之旅,让心情随钢琴音符一起飞在这座城的夜空,那一刻,忘记了天涯你我,忘记了此时此刻。

今天下午走过中山公园的时候,看到有中老年阿姨的舞蹈表演,每一位阿姨都穿着统一的新演出裙子,精致的化妆,认真的态度,忽然想到了妈妈。其实到现在我都没有去看妈妈的任何一次演出,没有在现场为她的舞蹈加油助阵过,但是今天看到这些和妈妈年级一样大的阿姨们,仿佛就看到了妈妈的影子,那一刻鼻子一酸眼泪差点就掉下来了⋯⋯

昨天妈妈拍的电视短剧播出了,晚上第一时间给她去电话妈妈说反响非常好很多朋友都打来祝贺电话,我在这边听着心里可高兴了。现在已经习惯了不再告诉她一切关于工作不愉快劳累和生活困难的事情,也学会了“撒谎”骗她这边一切都好,诸如公司老总同事对我非常好,身边朋友们对我很好,住的地方就在公司旁很方便,门口都是各种吃饭的地方,交通也都非常好,而且工作也不累,心情非常好⋯⋯我觉得其实当自己因为工作压力太大的时候给妈妈打电话厚颜无耻地编造这些完美假象的时候,仿佛自己也相信这一切是真的了,反而心情也就豁然开朗了。

有时候在微薄看到北京朋友们的贴子,忽然很怀念,虽然鼻子已经有点忘记北京的味道,但是嘴上仍然固执地总是操着北京腔在这个啊拉阿拉哝哝的城市发声。我想,这一切都很好,我喜欢这种平稳的感觉,不管在哪里,你心里仍然有所思念,能够在你忙碌的时候拨过去电话聊上半天,空间的距离其实永远是敌不过心里的贴近的⋯⋯

就到这里吧!越写越多该收不住了。祝一切都好!不管哪里的朋友天涯海角。

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