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九月十五天:仍旧离别的九月

又是一场秋雨。

这场不大不小的雨(在东三环至少算是不大不小,但是据出租车司机说中关村那边都倾盆了。)让我打消了深夜凌晨下班独自走回家的念头。虽然没有伞,却没有在雨中等上太久就有空车悠然停靠了。

我说下雨其实是为了道出今天不一样的心情:温暖。这股带着多少惊喜成分的暖流,最初来自今天傍晚小丽在公司的出现。应该算是老战斗伙伴的重逢了吧!尽管在一起工作合作的时间也就仅仅两个多月,但是这种通过工作认识一个人的人性到互相认可和成为好朋友,真的非常难得。

其实最让我惊讶的是,当看到小丽穿得整洁漂亮地出现在大家面前的时候,我和大家一样的高兴,可一阵寒暄问候之后,自己竟然鼻子一酸偷偷掉了眼泪。我知道这是一种互相关心也惦记的友情,这种心情就像有一次和ruben聊大家老了以后的样子时,忽然想到那时候或许朋友之间天各一方,心中失落和莫名的伤心就涌上心头。所以对小丽也是如此,一个工作极度专业负责,做人坦荡正派,生活坚强独立的女孩,能够和我们走到一起,这种惺惺相惜的感觉,在公司复杂危险的办公室关系中,变得极为珍惜。

大家晚餐非常开心,曾经这些并肩作战的一伙人又聚到了一起,真正的开心,真正的放松的聊天调侃,我还记得最后大家的依依不舍,还记得小丽在公司楼下迟迟不走目送大家回去的身影。每个人心中多少的感怀真的只是因为她将要彻底离开北京,回去陕西开始面对一个人带着孩子重新生活的现实吗,除此之外还有好伙伴之间的纯真情义在这里吧!

人总是要分开的。其实大家都明白这个道理。我前几天还在微薄写到九月是离别月,说实话,我真的忘记曾经是谁告诉我的这句带有一些宿命色彩的话了。但回想这几年的九月,也的确是各种分别最多的时候,大概也搭上秋天一丝忧伤的色彩,让这句话变得那么刺眼。就拿公司合得来的同事说吧,小黄这个周六就会飞向上海长期工作了,屁屁和潭欣下周二也将跟这个团队告别了。都是每天工作在一起打闹在一起的伙伴,却谁也逃不开说再见的安排。

我是一个相信缘分的人,也相信自己注定会在生命的轨迹中留下什么。哪怕尽管是工作,除了事业成就感外,那种日久而生的手足之情,更让人觉得宝贵。这一年或者这几年,经历的事情让我看淡了很多也看开了很多,有的朋友远去了,但并不证明真正离开了你,有的人失去了联系,但并不代表就此再无关系。如果命运是一个大车轮,我们每个人都会有再相见的时候,哪怕仅仅是在心里。

今天是凯子农历的生日。因为工作,没有办法去八宝山看他了,但我仍旧在开心网给他送了生日蛋糕,在网上给他留了一段话。面对这样一个打打闹闹相识好几年的兄弟的真正离去,留在我内心深处的已经不是伤痛,而是深深的思念,有时候总在想,如果这个时候他也在会是什么样⋯⋯可能一切还是老样子,但那种习以为常的习惯却成了大家分别之后最让人难受的伤口,每次忽然想起他的时候,都觉得一种很深很深的遗憾。

有时候想想挺怕的,人将注定孤独地离开这个世界。最怕说再见,最怕离不开习惯。当一个或者又一个曾经在一起留下记忆的朋友、亲人或者动物停止他们生命的时候,那种无力的感觉,如同窒息一样让我不敢多想。所以突如其来的重逢是件可怕的事情,就像今天我自己都意料不到的眼泪就那样真实滚烫地留下来,我们都怕什么?在恐惧背后,我们还懂得什么是期待吗?

可能夜深了,我的思绪也变得不清晰了。尽管我没有忘记动笔写这些文字的初衷,却在收尾的时候失去了方向。忽然发现自己该修佳节又重阳炼的地方太多了,不要动情、不要动心、不要动念。坦然面对一切注定的安排,接受离去,或者也算是接受开始。既然是九,那就一定是久。

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八月三十一天:玻璃窗外是雾还是雨

八月最后一夜的雨,下得有点凉了。这个夏天仿佛还没有经历就已经匆匆忙忙地故去了。曾经年初一切关于夏天的安排和打算也都就此泡影。例如又一次闲置的网球拍。例如腰上又宽一层的游泳圈⋯⋯

一场秋雨一场寒。凌晨两点坐在从公司回家的车上,看着车窗外淅淅沥沥的雨水,心想,明天大概真的该慢慢凉起来了。很奇怪,以前从来不欢迎秋天我的,今年却有点盼望穿上多几件衣服,或者能够在夜里下班的时候盼望赶快回到自己温暖的家。

今年的夏天其实过的很朦胧。没有太多记忆。除了大部分工作加班出差外,生活就像湖水一样安静得没有丝毫波澜。回想去年那个痛苦难熬的夏天,生硬心狠地戒烟、一个个深夜独自爆走⋯⋯似乎所有不堪的回忆都封存在了2010年。直到现在回想起来,心中还有复杂的错愕感,甚至本能的抗拒。但这种感觉已经变得淡淡的,就像脸上浅浅的痘痕,虽然看不清楚,却一辈子刻在了上面。

上周一口气看完了《裸婚时代》。每每看到曾经爱得死去活来的俩人这么疯狂的吵架,都会让我忽然心头闷痛。这种场面太熟悉了,熟悉得让人心生畏惧⋯⋯害怕曾经一次一次因爱伤人的场面再次重现⋯⋯太怕了⋯⋯怕得这辈子,只想一个人终老算了。

有人说若是分手后还能做朋友的人必定你已经不喜欢对方了。但分手后都再也不会出现在彼此生活的人,才是真正爱的那一个。这大概也就解释了为何谁也不想再和谁有任何关系的原因了吧。

自己数了数,这已经是111天没有更新博客了。和微博比起来,这里安静得好像被所有人遗忘了。一切快速的情感与思维分泌被快速反馈与沟通所吸引。因此那些隐藏在内心深处角落里的不被人待见的内容就自然地躲起来了。就像现在的我,过于情绪控制下的自己,只懂得微笑,却忘了如何让自己掉眼泪。

我不知道有多少次跟自己说要写一篇新博客文章了,可到如今才动笔,这几个月发生的一切,或者让人想要记录的一切都变得茫然而模糊。当渴望书写变成欲言又止,大概生活已经开始平淡而让人了无生机了吧?其实不是,我想,这大概因为自己开始变老了,很多事情,宁愿放在心里,也不再愿意留下笔记了。

每天都会因为简单的欲望被满足而开心。比如午饭过后能在公司后面的林荫路走走。比如一大早发现是个大晴天。比如可以在太阳下面发呆打盹儿。比如能在这个下雨微凉的夜里,舒舒服服地睡上一觉⋯⋯

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