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九月十五天:仍旧离别的九月

又是一场秋雨。

这场不大不小的雨(在东三环至少算是不大不小,但是据出租车司机说中关村那边都倾盆了。)让我打消了深夜凌晨下班独自走回家的念头。虽然没有伞,却没有在雨中等上太久就有空车悠然停靠了。

我说下雨其实是为了道出今天不一样的心情:温暖。这股带着多少惊喜成分的暖流,最初来自今天傍晚小丽在公司的出现。应该算是老战斗伙伴的重逢了吧!尽管在一起工作合作的时间也就仅仅两个多月,但是这种通过工作认识一个人的人性到互相认可和成为好朋友,真的非常难得。

其实最让我惊讶的是,当看到小丽穿得整洁漂亮地出现在大家面前的时候,我和大家一样的高兴,可一阵寒暄问候之后,自己竟然鼻子一酸偷偷掉了眼泪。我知道这是一种互相关心也惦记的友情,这种心情就像有一次和ruben聊大家老了以后的样子时,忽然想到那时候或许朋友之间天各一方,心中失落和莫名的伤心就涌上心头。所以对小丽也是如此,一个工作极度专业负责,做人坦荡正派,生活坚强独立的女孩,能够和我们走到一起,这种惺惺相惜的感觉,在公司复杂危险的办公室关系中,变得极为珍惜。

大家晚餐非常开心,曾经这些并肩作战的一伙人又聚到了一起,真正的开心,真正的放松的聊天调侃,我还记得最后大家的依依不舍,还记得小丽在公司楼下迟迟不走目送大家回去的身影。每个人心中多少的感怀真的只是因为她将要彻底离开北京,回去陕西开始面对一个人带着孩子重新生活的现实吗,除此之外还有好伙伴之间的纯真情义在这里吧!

人总是要分开的。其实大家都明白这个道理。我前几天还在微薄写到九月是离别月,说实话,我真的忘记曾经是谁告诉我的这句带有一些宿命色彩的话了。但回想这几年的九月,也的确是各种分别最多的时候,大概也搭上秋天一丝忧伤的色彩,让这句话变得那么刺眼。就拿公司合得来的同事说吧,小黄这个周六就会飞向上海长期工作了,屁屁和潭欣下周二也将跟这个团队告别了。都是每天工作在一起打闹在一起的伙伴,却谁也逃不开说再见的安排。

我是一个相信缘分的人,也相信自己注定会在生命的轨迹中留下什么。哪怕尽管是工作,除了事业成就感外,那种日久而生的手足之情,更让人觉得宝贵。这一年或者这几年,经历的事情让我看淡了很多也看开了很多,有的朋友远去了,但并不证明真正离开了你,有的人失去了联系,但并不代表就此再无关系。如果命运是一个大车轮,我们每个人都会有再相见的时候,哪怕仅仅是在心里。

今天是凯子农历的生日。因为工作,没有办法去八宝山看他了,但我仍旧在开心网给他送了生日蛋糕,在网上给他留了一段话。面对这样一个打打闹闹相识好几年的兄弟的真正离去,留在我内心深处的已经不是伤痛,而是深深的思念,有时候总在想,如果这个时候他也在会是什么样⋯⋯可能一切还是老样子,但那种习以为常的习惯却成了大家分别之后最让人难受的伤口,每次忽然想起他的时候,都觉得一种很深很深的遗憾。

有时候想想挺怕的,人将注定孤独地离开这个世界。最怕说再见,最怕离不开习惯。当一个或者又一个曾经在一起留下记忆的朋友、亲人或者动物停止他们生命的时候,那种无力的感觉,如同窒息一样让我不敢多想。所以突如其来的重逢是件可怕的事情,就像今天我自己都意料不到的眼泪就那样真实滚烫地留下来,我们都怕什么?在恐惧背后,我们还懂得什么是期待吗?

可能夜深了,我的思绪也变得不清晰了。尽管我没有忘记动笔写这些文字的初衷,却在收尾的时候失去了方向。忽然发现自己该修佳节又重阳炼的地方太多了,不要动情、不要动心、不要动念。坦然面对一切注定的安排,接受离去,或者也算是接受开始。既然是九,那就一定是久。

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八月三十一天:玻璃窗外是雾还是雨

八月最后一夜的雨,下得有点凉了。这个夏天仿佛还没有经历就已经匆匆忙忙地故去了。曾经年初一切关于夏天的安排和打算也都就此泡影。例如又一次闲置的网球拍。例如腰上又宽一层的游泳圈⋯⋯

一场秋雨一场寒。凌晨两点坐在从公司回家的车上,看着车窗外淅淅沥沥的雨水,心想,明天大概真的该慢慢凉起来了。很奇怪,以前从来不欢迎秋天我的,今年却有点盼望穿上多几件衣服,或者能够在夜里下班的时候盼望赶快回到自己温暖的家。

今年的夏天其实过的很朦胧。没有太多记忆。除了大部分工作加班出差外,生活就像湖水一样安静得没有丝毫波澜。回想去年那个痛苦难熬的夏天,生硬心狠地戒烟、一个个深夜独自爆走⋯⋯似乎所有不堪的回忆都封存在了2010年。直到现在回想起来,心中还有复杂的错愕感,甚至本能的抗拒。但这种感觉已经变得淡淡的,就像脸上浅浅的痘痕,虽然看不清楚,却一辈子刻在了上面。

上周一口气看完了《裸婚时代》。每每看到曾经爱得死去活来的俩人这么疯狂的吵架,都会让我忽然心头闷痛。这种场面太熟悉了,熟悉得让人心生畏惧⋯⋯害怕曾经一次一次因爱伤人的场面再次重现⋯⋯太怕了⋯⋯怕得这辈子,只想一个人终老算了。

有人说若是分手后还能做朋友的人必定你已经不喜欢对方了。但分手后都再也不会出现在彼此生活的人,才是真正爱的那一个。这大概也就解释了为何谁也不想再和谁有任何关系的原因了吧。

自己数了数,这已经是111天没有更新博客了。和微博比起来,这里安静得好像被所有人遗忘了。一切快速的情感与思维分泌被快速反馈与沟通所吸引。因此那些隐藏在内心深处角落里的不被人待见的内容就自然地躲起来了。就像现在的我,过于情绪控制下的自己,只懂得微笑,却忘了如何让自己掉眼泪。

我不知道有多少次跟自己说要写一篇新博客文章了,可到如今才动笔,这几个月发生的一切,或者让人想要记录的一切都变得茫然而模糊。当渴望书写变成欲言又止,大概生活已经开始平淡而让人了无生机了吧?其实不是,我想,这大概因为自己开始变老了,很多事情,宁愿放在心里,也不再愿意留下笔记了。

每天都会因为简单的欲望被满足而开心。比如午饭过后能在公司后面的林荫路走走。比如一大早发现是个大晴天。比如可以在太阳下面发呆打盹儿。比如能在这个下雨微凉的夜里,舒舒服服地睡上一觉⋯⋯

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四月二十九天:慢慢爱上这座城

今天是四月的最后一个工作日。昨天已经将本月的任务告一段落了,新的工作开始在心中酝酿筹划。尽管公司和客户都再三叮嘱节日期间随时候命加班,但我还是在这段忙碌的日子里偷得了今天这样一个可以没有工作的一天。

人最可怕的是习惯。习惯了好的,或者习惯了坏的。就像在上海的日子里,慢慢爱上了每天看到的一切。比如公司这座古旧的老别墅,里弄那些葱翠的梧桐树、大片铺盖的爬墙虎、后院里的活泼金毛狗⋯⋯还有一个人的办公室,靠近窗边,每天都能对着阳光和岑天老树发呆,脸上会感受到温润的春风吹来,耳边每天都可以肆无忌惮地播放那些老爵士或者钢琴曲⋯⋯安静并且舒服地享受忙碌却可以偷闲的工作,这一切让我慢慢着迷。

爱上了窗外偶尔响起的树叶婆娑的声音,还有里弄里偶尔传来的人声,当然小鸟可以全天候在你窗外飞来飞去或者驻足停歇,听不懂它们叫的内容,却能感受那种愉快轻松的情绪。一个人安静地体会这一切,因为知道这些很可能稍纵即逝,即使我已经看到在不久的将来我会非常怀念这一段时光,我心中仍然没有太多的伤感,接收此刻,难能可贵。

还没有认真深入地了解这座城市,却也不想浮光掠影般地匆匆走过。昨天上海同事发给我一个关于可以漫步上海的十条线路,真的非常诱人,决定以后下班不打车回家了,用走的。

昨天晚上下班发现口袋只剩十块钱了,忽然萌生选择漫步穿过这座城市回家。有音乐陪伴,有影子跟随,安静地熟悉那些尺度舒服的马路和舒展木讷的梧桐,心情也会突然失忆地愉快起来。此刻那个悠在其中的人,是习惯单行路的独行侠,还是好演技的路人甲?

尽管上海已经进入初夏,但夜里仍然会感觉像是秋天。或许是温度,或许是心情,昨天由于客户付款不守信,加上公司报销和薪水日期错位,导致忽然发现身上所有可以花的银子只有十几块钱了,一时心急,拿起电话又不知道该把这个麻烦发给谁。那时候真是抓耳挠腮了。有时候也很巧,偏偏总在这个时候你信得过得好朋友总会因为各种原因你联络不到,多逗啊!忽然想到这几年每次高烧都从没有给任何朋友打过电话,一个人熬过两三天就又挺拔了。我是一个多么不愿意麻烦别人的人,第一是张不开口,第二是实在不情愿。或许就这样一个人一遍一遍听着常石磊的mine

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所以这座城市总会给我留下各种不一样的经历和回忆。包括那些温度和气味,还有闭上眼睛都能浮现的很多场面。不知道,有时候想想如果回到三里屯那个喧嚣聒噪的办公室,自己是否会心猿意马呢?天越来越热了,两座城,一颗心,在何方。

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

四月二十二天:有一点点思念 一点点

我是一个多么表里不一的人啊。

天生了一张热闹精彩的皮囊,却在内心藏着一个冷静孤僻的灵魂。已经习惯了半生不熟的人们对我的评价和揣测,也明白了为何曾经爱过我的人对我的不信任,这一切,对我来说应该都是完完全全该接受的,因为,他们没有走到你内心深处,没有看到让他们平静和踏实的真莫道不消魂相,而在这之前,所有的人都已经飞远。

不知道为何要说这些,或许因为这段时间在上海,几乎所有人都会以为我会有一个别样的生活,却发现随着年纪变大,自己的生活越来越忠于自己的内心世界,仍然一如在北京一样冷静冷淡地观察着这座城市,看着身边的朋友热闹而浮躁地度过每一天,感受他们的喜怒哀乐和有血有肉的生活,而自己仍然像是一个被冷冻在冰块里的狮子一样,高傲而无畏地看待这一切,理解所有人的想法和行为,并不以为然,仍旧真心接受和佯装融入到内心已然脱离的圈子里打发时光。

爱各种Jazz。喜欢沉醉在那些情绪中,慵懒地让自己变得松弛,或者带上耳机重新把自己收纳到真实的自我中,和身边的一切说sorry和no。就像今天,这个没有阳光的下午,放着《Cinema Paradiso》的OST,应该是有待广播里关于Cinema

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Paradiso主题的爵士和古典音乐节目,非常棒的情感和旋律。看着窗外在阴霾天空中无奈打盹儿的葱翠草木们,觉得它们好可爱。老房子里的温度有些凉,打开空调脖子后一阵温热。发现这个世界如果都是灰色的也如此美丽和迷人。

昨天大概是凌晨四点多睡的。天一下雨,两只伤脚脖子就莫名难受,从小就这样。那时候就让妈妈为我揉脚踝,然后自己就会美滋滋不知不觉地睡着了⋯⋯这个夜晚再次失眠作痛的双踝让我又想起小时候那些事儿,忽然觉得内阵儿有多幸福啊。总有一天,我们会越来越老,老到只剩下模糊不堪却幸福温暖的童年回忆历历在目让人怀念。这个夜晚,听着窗外的雨声,忽然很想念北京,想念北京的家,还有自己的床⋯⋯

昨夜无聊感慨又在微薄发了牢骚,早上看到ivanna的回复:“人有时候都会很脆弱,尤其是在异地他乡,床在这时已经不是床了,而是一种寄托和依托。可深一步思考,如果不曾离开,怎知它的宝贵呢,更或是再次回到那熟悉的环境,会不会又有了新的恐慌和孤独? 我有,我会,尤其夜深时。”不过我有时候也在思考,其实我们每一次在路上的时候,都容易忽略路边的美好感受。忽然想到每次来到陌生国家城市的时候一开始的新鲜和数十天后的疲惫让人经历了很多起伏的情感状态。每次长途旅行,一个人背包走在路上很久很久开始想回头的时候,那个状态是回到原点不曾体会的。当我们真正回到自己的城市的时候,之前的短期出逃将成为自己最觉得难能可贵的怀念时刻。至少我会是,尤其是在这个难得可以送一口气的下午,看着窗外的绿树和楼下院子里的金毛狗,想想在北京会有这一切吗?这大概就是我们应该发现和珍稀的吧!

又是一个周末了。等待客户反馈的周末。不敢去任何地方,只能呆呆地在这座城市的某个角落等待。等待被修改,等待被满足。我们不知不觉放弃了自己当初的信念和决定,而学会了在妥协中平衡生活,欺骗自己的真实情绪,假装看不见很多真莫道不消魂相,这样一个装聋作哑的白内障式人格怎会存在于这样一个容易愤怒和不羁的身体中呢?答案变得言不由衷,我也渐渐无言以对了。

BOBO说新版博客不能留言,是啊,不仅不能留言还不能发图片。事情总是会有不完美,而这才让我们有所期待不是嘛?尽管面对这样一个没有回声的世界,我还是愿意继续写下去,因为我知道,我可以在这里相对更真实、更自在。

(忽然发现可以留言,只不过发到我后台了,我审核后才会被看到,所以欢迎你们在这里发声。)

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have No Comments

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大概我是喜欢安静的。大概我是习惯了一个人。大概这些才会让自己觉得安全。所以这个周末我没有到处走走,不仅仅是因为工作的原因,而是自己也确实不知道该去哪里该找谁。这样大一个城市,有很多曾经认识的朋友,却那起电话不愿意接通任何一个人。就像曾经在北京一样,走到哪里都习惯地带上耳机,在音乐中穿行整座城。

命运有时候就是会让人有一种说不出来的滋味。就拿来上海工作这件事情吧,最终还是没有躲过去,这座曾经让我觉得无缘的城市,如今就在我的眼前了。没有任何与众不同的地方,没有任何格格不入的情绪,没有太多的新鲜感,也没有太强烈的反差。在我的人生即将迈向三字头的今天,对于一切的变动,已经慢慢宠辱不惊了。

尽管每天上班要走20分钟才能坐上地铁,中间还要穿行倒车,晚上又经常加班,好在这个暂时陌生的城市,老总和同事们对我都很好,几个不错的朋友都时刻关心着,还有暂时麻烦合住的小Jerry也是在我到了上海之后又请吃饭又请喝酒又带我到处玩的,让我根本没有觉得这座城市不欢迎我。内心深处都是感激和温暖,特想偷偷地跟他们说声感谢。

尽管嘴上总是半开玩笑的和身边朋友念叨上海人的多么让我无法接受云云,但是内心深处并没有反感和排斥他们。因为这次来上海工作给我最大的感觉,更像是一种倾重不同的旅行,除了认真地对待工作外,剩下的感觉特别想每次一个人去一个国家或者一个城市,背包穿行,用眼睛、相机、文字和记忆熟悉这一切。

刚刚开始的这第九天,一切关于上海的思绪还是凌乱的。没有刻意而为,而是安静地等待和观察一切将要发生和不会发生的事情。宿命的玩笑让人觉得空间和时间的趣味,就像Bob

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Dylan和Dustin O’Halloran的演出就没有在北京看成而是在上海看到的。很多在北京都很少碰面的朋友也都在上海纷纷出现。双城记,关于面孔与记忆的轮回,我们永远弄不明白。

不知是否因为上周末看了Dustin O'HaIloran的现场演奏之后,现在每天上班又会在电脑前响起他的钢琴声。有时候总会回想起那个昏暗的小舞台,当那些再熟悉不过的旋律随着他专注的背影重现在眼前的时候,似乎情感世界里各种感动与痛苦的滋味又翻江倒海般地涌现了。有幸福,有伤痛,有一份份爱和温暖的思念。就像一段久违余味的情感之旅,让心情随钢琴音符一起飞在这座城的夜空,那一刻,忘记了天涯你我,忘记了此时此刻。

今天下午走过中山公园的时候,看到有中老年阿姨的舞蹈表演,每一位阿姨都穿着统一的新演出裙子,精致的化妆,认真的态度,忽然想到了妈妈。其实到现在我都没有去看妈妈的任何一次演出,没有在现场为她的舞蹈加油助阵过,但是今天看到这些和妈妈年级一样大的阿姨们,仿佛就看到了妈妈的影子,那一刻鼻子一酸眼泪差点就掉下来了⋯⋯

昨天妈妈拍的电视短剧播出了,晚上第一时间给她去电话妈妈说反响非常好很多朋友都打来祝贺电话,我在这边听着心里可高兴了。现在已经习惯了不再告诉她一切关于工作不愉快劳累和生活困难的事情,也学会了“撒谎”骗她这边一切都好,诸如公司老总同事对我非常好,身边朋友们对我很好,住的地方就在公司旁很方便,门口都是各种吃饭的地方,交通也都非常好,而且工作也不累,心情非常好⋯⋯我觉得其实当自己因为工作压力太大的时候给妈妈打电话厚颜无耻地编造这些完美假象的时候,仿佛自己也相信这一切是真的了,反而心情也就豁然开朗了。

有时候在微薄看到北京朋友们的贴子,忽然很怀念,虽然鼻子已经有点忘记北京的味道,但是嘴上仍然固执地总是操着北京腔在这个啊拉阿拉哝哝的城市发声。我想,这一切都很好,我喜欢这种平稳的感觉,不管在哪里,你心里仍然有所思念,能够在你忙碌的时候拨过去电话聊上半天,空间的距离其实永远是敌不过心里的贴近的⋯⋯

就到这里吧!越写越多该收不住了。祝一切都好!不管哪里的朋友天涯海角。

posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comments (2)

三月三天:写在2011年六分之一逝去的时候


妈妈回天津了。


今天早上起得很早,给我做了面汤,还把这几天的饭也做了出来,一遍遍叮嘱我该注意这个要记得那个⋯⋯把她送上车的时候,心里有点酸,忽然感觉北京这个家又变得空空了。


旅行回来之后经历了好几天疲累的恢复日,莫名其妙地怀疑是这次旅行太累了还是自己身体不行了,整日躲在昏睡中不愿出来,不喜欢说话,不喜欢动弹,浑身无力,对任何事情都失去了兴趣⋯⋯


一件又一件不如意的事情接踵而至,似乎在考验我承受压力的极限。越来越习惯性地逼迫自己,挤兑自己,让自己难捱、难奈,走近窒息与崩溃的边缘。自己率领各方联军压力让生活的每一秒都变得沉重不堪。释放不出去,接纳不进来,走近墙角死胡同回头也没有希望的亮光。黎明前的黑夜度日如年,未知让时间感觉加长,痛苦程度加剧。变成一个等待判罚的人。让我每天无时无刻都在觉得这个世界太残冷,我的思绪太聒噪。


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有朋友说我应该找个机会大醉一场释放释放自己的压力了。可是年前我已经在家醉过一次了。本来只想喝杯酒放松一下睡个好觉的,却没有收住自己一个人干掉几乎两瓶红酒,哭肿了双眼,意识不清地给好朋友打了电话⋯⋯结果一切问题都是无法解决的。在问题的结果上,我不需要各种手段地释放不良情绪,在我内心深处很清楚的知道那一点用都没有。


我只希望该解决结束的事情都可以尽量完好的结束,再憷头的事情我也要硬着头皮将事情都划上句号。然后。然后开始一切新的局面和机会,改变自己当初的计划和策略,重新调整格局,在变化中继续寻找机会和学会判断。当然,目前处于一个混沌的中间阶段,我知道这是最难熬的时候,发生的事情没有给你明确的呈现,没有发生的事情更让你摸不到边。怎么办?你只能坚持,一秒一秒地向前走,千万别放弃自己!


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其实我应该开心的。记得从泰国回来的时候偶然碰到前女友和她的现任,聊天的时候,她男朋友跟我说:要知道你现在还能带着妈妈去旅行是人生多么幸福的事情啊!我20岁爸爸妈妈就都没有了⋯⋯听到这句话的时候,我有一种特别能理解对方的感动。也正因如此我才会在不管自己处境多困难的时候都要开开心心带妈妈出去旅行的。身边经历了太多同龄朋友父母离去的事情,我能够深深体会他们坚强面对社会和在内心深深思念的情感。那种感觉特别难以描述,就像昨晚我看着熟睡的妈妈时不时地还说梦话,那一刻你会感觉这个房间这个世界还有这样一个人呼吸,有温度地陪在你身边,一切困难都算什么呢?要知道八年前当摸着爸爸冰冷的身体绝望地接受他永远离开你的现实的时候,那种恐惧与后怕的感觉是让人再也不想回想的。我很怕再有人离开我,非常还怕,我不愿意在某一天我孤单地活在世界上的时候回想起来会有自责和后悔的事情,尽管在父母对我的爱面前,我们所做的都是永远不够不够的。


很久没有写博客了,我忽然发现,将情绪用文字整理出来也是一个自我治愈的过程。如果能够稍微轻松地面对当下的一切现实,那就请轻松一些地继续生活吧。有时候心里总在回想那句话:生活没有你想象的那样好,但也没有你想象的那样糟。是啊!打起精神吧!2011年已经过去六分之一了,剩下的日子还要你自己努力呢啊!加油!


最后放上这次去泰国海边拍的照片吧!两个月疯狂痛苦的健身打球,减掉了10斤,也增加了不少肌肉!你看!你要你坚持!很多事情都会看到起色的不是吗!所以!不要放弃自己!给自己打气!别让爱你的人失望!


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comments (3)

一月二十六天:过小年的时候让我念叨念叨吧


从今天北京地铁公交乘客的拥挤程度看,目前那些在首都脑力打工和体力打工的可爱人们,都已经成功还乡度春了。

 

今天的私教课在进行了36分钟的时候被迫终止。教练说:“要不,今天先暂停吧!”我想了一下,点头同意了。的确,就在那一刻,我觉得我所有的体力都耗尽了,做任何器械完全动作不到位,自己都感觉别扭,精神状态也不好,走神,不集中,很难用意识刺激肌肉收缩⋯⋯我想,我不能继续这样玩命了⋯⋯

 

翻看手机的日程安排,这几天除了工作开会,就是打球和健身。每天把自己的所有时间都排满,大脑紧张,身体卖力。上周四终极难度的单车,到最后最难骑的环节,我紧闭双眼咬牙坚持,那一刻心里和身体都难受到极限了,终于大颗大颗的眼泪就那样烫烫地随着汗珠流到脖子上,那时候觉得这个世界只有我一个人了⋯⋯

 

当然,我仍旧是这样一个人,转天健身的时候,还会笑嘻嘻地跟教练调侃说昨天的单车太过瘾了,累得我眼泪都冒出来了。嘻嘻哈哈过后全然忘记当时的心酸和委屈。那些不愉快的所有情绪就这样肆无忌惮地消散了,没有为任何人留下,也没有被任何人发现。

 

今天从健身房回家的时候看微薄才发现今天是小年,看到各种朋友大秀丰盛晚餐,自己也觉得很开心。拖着四肢无力的身体想去吃汉拿山,但转念一想省省钱就转进对面小店买了两个肉夹膜要了碗羊汤就把自己喂饱了。

 

回家。准备大睡。回想着洗澡时都抬不起来的胳膊,觉得自己的能量就像漏电一样被吸干似的,整个人感觉已经筋疲力竭了。这一年就快过去了,似乎整个人的能量也就此耗没了吧⋯⋯

 

刻意不去想任何这一年的难处和不愉快,也不想那些开心和快乐的时光。我觉得那些都对我来说都是过去了,自己累了一年,却发现最后也很可能一无所获。这一年唯一的收获就是成长,跟前几年比,这一年的成长太多了,虽然不会被任何人发现,但是在自己内心深处,更强大的内心世界,更坚定的信念,更透彻的人情世故,更理智地面对现实,更明确的爱与责任,这一切带给我很多踏实地喜悦。

 

记得有天遇到一个认识很久的大哥,他醉酒却非常中肯地说了好多对我的评价,这其中虽然有主观地对我的不了解和不理解,但是我能听出肯定和不肯定的很多很多。在那一刻,尽管我接受着对方对我的误会和错解,但是我心中仍然平静地聆听这份期许和鼓励的话,面对一个对你有寄予很大期望的长辈来说,任何误解都不要辩解,人是要做给自己的,成长与成功也是为自己的,有的路,有的人走得很顺,有的人走得艰难,但最后都会走得好看。人在30岁之前经历的一切挫折和困难都不算什么,但快速丰满和成长是要争分夺秒的。

 

1月21日去看了张学友。情歌还在,物是人非。有时候,当对方已经不再觉得你是唯一的时候,自己也应该调整角色,有的歌感动的是过去的美好,但是感动不了当下的现实。有的人,分开之后还可以做好朋友,但有的却这辈子都不愿意再见你了。缘分的事情没得强迫。所以,尽管一路上有你,但这条路,我一直在独自跋涉,其中的酸甜苦辣自知自得,不奢望任何人的关注与支持,最真挚的感动都是彼此甘愿付出的。只希望不管是曾经的爱情还是现在的友情,让心情和情绪都自然而真实起来吧,我不欣赏刻意矜持拿捏或者刻意表现优越的样子,觉得很假,我们都越来越老了,谁都希望曾经爱过的人能够比自己还快乐福,谁也不希望看到谁过得不好,所以就让爱与感情像流水一样顺势而就,不更好吗?

 

过两天就要见到妈妈了!虽然儿子今年没有硕果累累地丰收为您老人家过年,但是我答应妈妈的事情都会一个一个兑现的!给您换电脑,带您去旅游,去看您舞蹈演出等等⋯⋯在这个世界上,真正爱我的人只有您一个,我不让您晚年幸福,还能有谁呢?我现在算是能够做到了,自己在外面经历再怎样的难处,我都不会和妈妈说,做一个好演员好儿子,为她造一个无忧无虑的伊甸园,让她在里面开心地享受生活的乐趣与轻松,能看到一切,我觉得再多的吃亏、误解、困难都变得渺小和不重要,因为只要这个世界上妈妈还能陪着我,我就不觉得孤独和无助!对!老妈最给力!

 

最后想起来今天慧儿跟我说的过年工作累一年的话,忽然觉得就再迷信一次吧!我真的需要一个再不去思考任何与工作相关事情的一小段假期了!对!完全放松地过大年吧!祝愿我爱的所有人,新年都会更幸福!更快乐!


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

十二月十四天:冷!除了冷!还是冷!真他妈冷!真 ** 冷!


因为昨晚上看一个人的博客竟然看到凌晨五点半。所以今天睁眼一看表已经下午两点半了⋯⋯

 

然后发现两个手机的若干未接电话和短信,一个一个回复(我真是个好人)。教练短信说能否把5点的课提前到4点,我都没思考地就回了没问题到时见,结果抬头看表,嚓!已经三点了!

 

疯狂地洗脸、刷牙、穿衣服、收拾书包、吃CLA⋯⋯然后还在家门口吃了一份油泼面后匆匆上车奔向健身房。到了健身房换衣服戴手套灌水壶之后没顾上小便就鼻涕邋遢地找教练去了,结果还是晚了10分钟⋯⋯

 

今天练腿臀和胸。我真的已经迫不及待地希望在短期内看到自己已经慢慢肥胖的乳房变成一对性感诱人的大胸啊!所以卖力卖力卖力推!我发现这换掉女教练之后男教练的训练就是好,就比如说推胸吧,原来女教练做示范我都不好意思看她那儿,然后自己练的时候完全没有参照物,总幻想自己推着推着就退出一个D罩杯的性感美乳出来⋯⋯所以现在看到硬邦邦的男人胸肌后,心中各种羡慕嫉妒恨涌上心头,就玩命地狂练,这是好事!我预感没几个月我内身材就会回到以前甚至更好了!哈哈!

 

今天我放弃了最喜欢的一节单车课,没洗澡穿上衣服就奔蓬蒿了。跟ruben定好了七点见,买了票,然后狼吞虎咽地吃了一份吞拿蛋黄三明治,就着急忙慌地坐在冰冷的小剧场里了。今天的戏叫《我是自己的妻子》。这是美国作家道格赖特根据真人真事所写的跨性别剧本。

 

本剧的独特之处在于,这是一部以德国传奇老妇夏洛特为主角的戏,却是由一名中年男子演出的独脚戏,一名演员要扮演的角色不只是德国传奇老妇,还包括剧作者道格赖特、道格的工作伙伴们等等,四十多个被一名演员,通过不同的语音、姿势表演出来。

 

夏洛特是一个出生和生长在德国异装癖,从他的私人博物馆到二次世界大战到德国人喜爱的深夜谈话节目,读者跟随道格一起发现夏洛特存在的社会土壤。夏洛特在极端严苛的希特勒主义和东德社会主义的教条下长大,他生理上是男人,但心理上却一直认为自己是个女人。他在纳粹时代度过青少年,然后在共人比黄花瘦产主义政权下生活了近半个世纪,少年时,他穿起女孩子的鞋和他妈妈的风衣,成了一个名叫夏洛特的女人,成了一名迷恋古董的收藏者和濒危历史的保护者。她的家成了博物馆,每个房间装满了留声机、钟表、花瓶、图画、火柴盒、家具和任何她可以从被战争蹂躏的家和被斯塔西粉碎的商店中保留下来的东西,而所有这一切都穿着裙子和高跟鞋。

 

老实讲我以为今天会是一位外国戏剧演员演出,结果却是中戏的一个小孩。这其中还有诸多让我感觉不到位的地方诸如台词、感情、角色转换等等。所以关于这部戏我不想再说啥了。

 

从蓬蒿出来后,我跟ruben都决定去南锣鼓巷看看,但是真的谁也不知外面极度冰冷,我们加快脚步到了小跑的地步,后来还是决定去等待戈多喝点东西,可平时走会儿就到的路在严寒中显得那么的遥远,于是我们两个傻大个就沿路在各种小店中进进出出取暖复苏中到了等待戈多。

 

好久没去等待戈多了,今天的造访还是收获颇多的,除了入手一些好玩的小东西外,最让我兴奋的是在这里找到了大部分Derek
Jarman的电影,还有Peter Greenaway的早期影片。另外居然翻到《Pink Flamingos》和寺山修司的试验影像集以及其他一些实验电影。

 

教会ruben用豆瓣,然后用他的电脑翻人比黄花瘦墙看了看与阻离三年的Facebook,后又粗略读了刘小波的报道。忽然觉得每次在国外看到某些消息等回国之后完全无人知晓。我提倡大家能“翻人比黄花瘦墙”的赶紧翻,当下中国“经济贫民政策”和“政治 ** 政策”已经拿老百姓当傻子养了。谁也不愿意生下来就当一个瞎子聋子,我们每个人都有权力知道这个世界和社会的真样子,不是吗?

 

晚上回家后把《粉红火烈鸟》看完了。尽管我觉得这个诞生于1972年美国的小成本地下电影其实很业余,并且内容庸俗、恶心、下流、变半夜凉初透态、荒诞及漏洞百出,但想想倒退40年的话,这种影片的确是会让当时年轻人热血沸腾的作品。不管怎样,找了很多年的影片,今天看到了,可以安心睡觉了⋯⋯今天家里冷得我决定不裸睡了!


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

巴黎三天四夜(四):宝塔




其实今天心情大好。和昨天在雨中游荡香榭丽舍的时候完全不同。原因就是,巴黎今天阳光明媚,每一朵云彩都变得超级可爱。


 


Père Lachaisechu出来之后没有在跳蚤市场待太久就做地铁到了我现在想不起来的站(但我想按照我的风格应该又坐回Notre Dame),然后出来之后就一路沿着塞纳河向西走去,途径了好多现在忘记了也不想费脑子想的地方了,总之唯一让我记得的就是好心情,好心情,好心情。


 


作为第一次到巴黎的人,就像第一次来北京的人一样,故宫、长城、颐和园统统回去转。所以,我一路向西的目的地是:Eiffel Tower


 


其实从远处就慢慢接近看到铁塔的心情特别奇妙,真正到了塔下面也感觉满开心的。铁塔售卖三种票,分为一到三层,每层票价不一样,第三层就是可以坐电梯到最顶端俯瞰巴黎全貌,而票价也才只有十几欧。


 


排队是个很漫长的过程,你会在漫长等待中聊上几个朋友,时间也就悄悄过去了。(老实讲我真的不想写成流水账但两年前的事情真的对我来说已经没啥感觉了)


 


巴黎全景非常美丽。以后去的朋友一定会有同感。我只是有一点小建议就是,最好选择下午四五点的时候上去,然后多待一会等夜幕降临还可以再看一次夜景。不过夏天似乎要推迟一些,因为基本八东篱把酒黄昏后九点才天黑应该⋯⋯


 


晚上如果我没有记错我一个人又步行到凯旋门,我有去玛黑的酒吧吗?我的脑子真的短路了⋯⋯


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have Comment (1)

十月十五天:真希望在梦里一直醒着


家里的网络忽然断掉了


电话给网络公司告知要晚上十一点恢复


由于疲惫我决定睡一会吧


为了晚上加班写东西我特意调了手机闹钟


于是在并不踏实地多次怀疑自己是否睡着了的过程中


我进入了梦乡


 


我做了一个梦


梦见自己醒了


醒来的时间就是今天夜里


发现房间里满是狼藉


这种凌乱似乎久违的熟悉


被撕烂的被单、咬变形玩具、还有被咬坏的电脑


我跑出卧室来到客厅发现意料之中满地毯的碎纸和垃圾


一只萨摩耶躲在沙发角落看着我


我当时脑子一片空白


习惯性地发火和职责教训


那只白色的小狗害怕地躲到沙发底下去了


这时忽然意识到我在做梦


忽然意识到那是馒头 那是馒头


馒头来找我了!


可这一刻无论我如何寻找都再也找不到它了


是我把它赶跑了么


我甚至都没有抱它一下


 


于是我醒了


想看时间的时候发现手机没电了


我走到客厅看表


屋里的表竟然停了


于是打开电脑看到时间


此刻正是我的手机闹表要叫醒我的时间


 


我可以这样理解吗?


馒头是来叫我起床的


它怕我睡过头耽误工作


或许它还记得曾经的时光


每个夜里睡在我的脚下陪伴我加班写东西


 


我慢慢走到沙发边


轻轻坐在那里


喊了一声:馒头?


 


屋子里一如既往地安静


 


在梦里 馒头来过了


 


我应该高兴 :)


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posted by 馒头他爹 in [碎片Amnesia] and have No Comments